i feel sick. i find it very amusing how this blog is basically like a map of my foray into depression, each entry marking another stage in the process. its also interesting how now im not writing it as much symbolizes, i think, the dwindling of my intelligence, probably worn out from everything during the summer and the medications. i feel hollowed out. but i do have hope. and it is always what has made me stay alive, save a few times where hope was lost, and that was the lowest of the lows. and now i can feel me reaching that point, with israel becoming more of an uphill challenge than an easy downhill slope. this is a make it or break it situation, and i feel like im more likely to break it, given my poor social skills with new people. i just need that gene or skill or knowledge and i can be fine. because, much like chris mccandless, i have realized that happiness is only real when shared, and i presently have little to none of that. israel is the light at the end of the tunnel, which could mean escape, or a head on train. its funny how i equate israel with automatic friends and ease from schoolwork, when it could easily be the opposite.