Another 16 years

So I realized that I have never really enjoyed anything in my conscious life. My life is a constant frustration, constant boredom that eats away at your remaining human frailty. I think its bothersome that society casts aside boredom as a non-issue, when it actually sits amongst the tenets of depression and anxiety and other higher class things of that nature. I also beleive that I wanted to kill myself because I am so afraid of death that when I had the feeling that I accepted death, I needed to take that opportunity immediately to take advantage of not having a fear of death. Now this is a blinding, paralyzing fear, enough to create a living hell, which is what my life is turning out to be. Coping skills? they have no use to me now. I feel like my life is coming beyond repair and my mind is permanently burned out. The only comfort I can possibly salvage is going along with this despairing fate of mine rather than trying to fight it. I dont understand how anyone can expect me to try to fight this torrent, this savage beast of life when I am so weakly armed and so weakly defended. they sit back and judge and watch while I act like David without a slingshot against a Goliath of torment. They yell things at me and toss little plastic pills but they just bother me more. The biggest mistake of my life was telling anyone how I felt, because it completely destroyed me and got rid of my only hope of getting help, and now that I am getting help, it doesnt work and only makes matters worse. Every ounce of hope is quickly washed away and seems completely fake and unenjoyable, and when Im not in a completely depressed mood I feel even worse that I am so empty rather than full of despair. Now, the only comfort I have is wallowing in my stupid self pity and exasperation and when I cry, and when i stop crying I want to cry again, weeping for nothing, desiring to go back to hospital, but to live there. I cant deal with a gradual change, I have no strength, I am burnt out from exhaustion. And I hate that the only time I feel remotely satisfied is when I am depressed. What a great birthday