So I've been told by several cognitive seers and medical mediums that there's some sort of chemical imbalance in me, and if they read this, which they probably will, hello.
They mean well, wishing happiness and well being and objective health and function, and I heartily appreciate their help and effort. But I think I have found a reason of why I still feel so alienated. It's that they place happiness and well being and life as the foremost priorities for me and others. And it will apply to others, and they will be fully helped by their standards, and I'm glad for them. But its this idea and subliminal egotism in almost all people of trying to establish this abstract, manufactured rule of ethics and conduct and morality and purpose and loyalty and family that have been so ingrained by every society and every civilization in the animal kingdom and has been scared into everyone by the Judeo-Christian western societies. And this self-reinforces by making it seem "right" and built into man and beast. And it does work. But it relies on a stable human mind capable of accepting these manufactured laws and all rely on a sense of meaning and Godliness. And drugs can fix that. But who's to say that one person is right and the other is wrong? And drugs can answer that, and make me ask myself what I was thinking there and then and make me see the problem, but that cannot change what is real and that cannot change the fact that objective truth is impossible to prove. And the statements that these beliefs can be caused by something other than myself like depression just completely ruin my whole concept of "reality" or the lack of it. It's not a thought distortion or chemicals, these are seemingly logical observations of my world. By realizing the true physical and solely motion-oriented nature of everything, it is much simpler and real way of existing. It is extremely frightening, and that's why I think the human mind is designed to accept other realities in substitution or in addition to keep their body alive, which in essence is the role of genes and chromosomes. It's not animals that need to reproduce or live, but the genes and chromosomes. We are simply well-brainwashed hosts for the magnificently designed biological world. The genes aren't more powerful, just that their function and self-reinforcing, natural behavior is to reproduce. The "better" ones don't survive, just the ones that are well suited to the environment. I've been told I think too much, and that's why I believe these things and occasionally act on them, but how can someone say that's wrong when the same things have caused me also to be at the top of my class, and academia is something this human society so greatly admires? Am I cheating for my success? And that is the only thing I have, knowledge, and the only thing I can obtain to strengthen my understanding.
But what about when I know my mood and attitude will change, fast enough and often enough and to different places enough so that I can never find a comfortable place in life, constantly out of place from myself and everything else, and that total picture is what is so discomforting, and something i can't imagine as I am always occupying a certain mood to the extent that I can't fully see the larger picture except to know that it exists. And when my mood changes I will reject my old logic and either be stuck in transitional limbo or go to any other countless emotions that obsess my existence. I think I need drugs.
And what bothers me is when I do enjoy something like music or art or the company of others and the experiences all around me to be had and especially of the beauties of nature. The reason they are quitely and not obviously bothersome but still nonetheless is that I see no logic or reason behind it, and I have trouble accepting something without those. Again, drugs, I think, can help. And I can enjoy them for a time, but times like now come and de-rationalize that enjoyment, as well as every other gut feeling and thought, good and bad. And the worst times come when I can't even think about my beliefs like I am writing now, when my mind goes blank and language becomes meaningless, simply dead words with little to no neural activity that it sparks. I value moments like these, when what I beleive are reason, logic, and rationality come into play and paint a sensible picture of everything, even if, paradoxically, It may be subjectively irrational to others. Have my suicide attempts been well masked self-destruct mechanisms by my body? Like the movies, must I die or at least be unable to communicate because I "know too much"?
I know one thing, for those viewers at home, is that camp and its very social and forested surroundings provide, at least from what I experienced, some meaning and hope in society's reality and subjective truths. I know drugs can do that, but cease to make me happy when I reach that stage and occurs much more slowly.
Now I feel like this post may get me into more trouble than I've already put myself into, and I hope it doesn't, but at least its helped progress to a more concrete foundation, and something possibly, very minutely, that can give me back meaning that I beleive in, strong enough to ignore what I have written as "truth". I know that discussing it has and will continue to make me feel more stuck and isolated, depressed and confused. I need something real, concrete, like friendships or real pure, un-forest-preserves nature. And everybody has taken away those opportunities that can help me. I don't think myself as the depressed kid that the doctors and directors want me to be, someone that they've studied about and dealt with before. The mind has infinite cures, but also infinite agitators. From my experience, the other depressed/anxious kids I've met do hang out with friends currently and have or have had strong and real relationships. I don't even have or have had that, and just when I think I did, and reached that point when i could tell someone something serious about myself, like my depression, it rains shit and I missed it. As I type I'm noticing a mood swing from logical and mildly epiphanic to one of hope and now one of anger and agony. I can trust my parts, but not my whole. I feel like Im stuck inbetween heaven, hell, and purgatory, always changing stations.
I know one thing for certain though, that there are two things that have led me to this place:
1. Atheism
2. Isolation
