The Guide To Immortality

My biggest fear, or perhaps my greatest focus, is on topics related to the extent and purpose of life of living, of existing. I don't really believe in a true "old, bearded, controls-your-fate" God, and I believe that has caused much of my troubles, my "never-ending rut", if you will. But for some reason, perhaps its the lessening of stress or enhanced rationalization of my beliefs, but I've been beginning to grasp ideas and plans and schemes that can satisfy and fulfill my desires without contradicting my values, ideals, and so forth. These prospects seem so ideal, that I mourn for the days when these seems unfathomable, and long for the days when they seem as close as ever. I've often told myself that happiness and satisfaction is simply caused by self-suppression and suppression of facts and personal values, and I beleive that I am at a point where this may be my fate. I've valued truth for so long that I've come to the conclusion that truth does not exist and merely relative truths inside fabricated and pre-formed worlds, and then the truth of language seems to fade away and I can't understand my own thoughts.