Everyday now I've been thinking about leaving, but its began to lose its meaning and seriousness, and the reality of escape and movement (see previous posts) seems further and further away. I don't know if its something wrong with my brain or a mental disorder or what, because I can never seem to define it and my thoughts are so permanent and vague that it reaches past existentialism to the point where logic rips itself apart and language and senses are useless and only abstract thought can barely touch. Its this desire for a godly soul, divine intervention, when I doubt its existence, and Ive been trying to prove to myself that there's some human spirit connection, but I excuse that as my secret hippie longing. I try too hard to be what I want to, or there's no such thing as settling. And I cant decide whether human goals are universal or are individual, and if individual, how can I develop a relationship? And if universal, than why can't I break this isolation. And the moments of bliss that keeps me from breaking down every day are the moments with nature, and with real human contact, seldom if ever. And once again, I am so wrought by the fact that this blog-thing might make me seem like one of those depressed idiots who ramble through school and their teenage years, and blah blah blah Maybe I develop grudges because I can;' be accepted by anyone. or don't beleive I can be, or feel too high-and-mighty too. And Im afraid Im developing too much of a egotistical, some-word-i-cant-think-of attitude and priding myself on my exaggerated experiences and intelligence, but it is the only redeeming thing I can create about myself; to justify all that I do and think and like and dislike, but im sure thats how everyone feels or else they woudl change themselves to become right.
So I guess humility is the ability to recognize the limits of the human mind.