Everyday now I've been thinking about leaving, but its began to lose its meaning and seriousness, and the reality of escape and movement (see previous posts) seems further and further away. I don't know if its something wrong with my brain or a mental disorder or what, because I can never seem to define it and my thoughts are so permanent and vague that it reaches past existentialism to the point where logic rips itself apart and language and senses are useless and only abstract thought can barely touch. Its this desire for a godly soul, divine intervention, when I doubt its existence, and Ive been trying to prove to myself that there's some human spirit connection, but I excuse that as my secret hippie longing. I try too hard to be what I want to, or there's no such thing as settling. And I cant decide whether human goals are universal or are individual, and if individual, how can I develop a relationship? And if universal, than why can't I break this isolation. And the moments of bliss that keeps me from breaking down every day are the moments with nature, and with real human contact, seldom if ever. And once again, I am so wrought by the fact that this blog-thing might make me seem like one of those depressed idiots who ramble through school and their teenage years, and blah blah blah Maybe I develop grudges because I can;' be accepted by anyone. or don't beleive I can be, or feel too high-and-mighty too. And Im afraid Im developing too much of a egotistical, some-word-i-cant-think-of attitude and priding myself on my exaggerated experiences and intelligence, but it is the only redeeming thing I can create about myself; to justify all that I do and think and like and dislike, but im sure thats how everyone feels or else they woudl change themselves to become right.
So I guess humility is the ability to recognize the limits of the human mind.

I have never felt as isolated as I have right now. I honestly feel that one day i will literally explode, my thoughts will emerge from my brain at rapid speed forever. This is my only outlet, but it is not even so, it is just an outreach of my thoughts. I can't communicate, and I dont know whether I should blame myself or others, and this is too part of the problem. Being the never-ending skeptic, I can not settle for any answer, leading to a continuation of the floods of thought about every single thing and whenever I try to come to a conclusion about anything at all, skepticism kicks in and I am helpless. I can not make any decisions, I am not free. And I am even beginning to lose my ability to communicate, its getting harder for me to write, and I feel like I am developing a slight stutter. I lack communication skills to the point where nobody can feel enough compassion for me to realize it or for people to recognize my isolation. And part of it too is that even what I am writing now, I dont want anyone else to read, for fear of judgment and discrimination, but so too do I want people to help me and feel compassion and be a true "friend" or whatever. And when that occasionally does occur, I dismiss their inquiries as annoying and I refuse to acknowledge any compassion or outreach, whether or not it is genuine or not. And so too I can not identify with anyone, being skeptical of everything. And so too I hate to look at other people in similar situations because I label them as losers and have really negative feelings and emotions about them that make my blood boil, and I hope so intently that I am not one of those loner/emotional people, though I feel like I am. And this fear is what angers me the most and furthers the progression of this isolation; to not be labeled like this kind of person. Everything seems to have negative connotations and emotions, some feeling or something that cannot be explained in words, its like a "gut" feeling but beyond that. And the few things that I do enjoy are masked by these "gut" feelings, that they too become even more heart wrenching that I desire them so much but can never acquire it. And I justify my inability to acquire these types of positives by assessing the untruthfulness in them and the inauthenticity of these. The "masked positives" I am talking about include things like love and true happiness, but also physical manifestations of satisfaction, truth, relationships, communication, reason, logic, food taste, quality of arts, etc. And by doing that I push myself further in isolation, in addition with the idea of proving that I have mental disorders but not wanting to be discovered while wanting it, and the idea of wanted pity, but still no pity at the same time. Doublethink, maybe. And how can I have these currently "masked positives" if right now I believe them to be false? But I do not even know if I am correct now. Right now, after escaping for awhile, I have these extreme feelings of ennui and complete and utter existential despair that seems to become me. And these are coming more and more often, and I am frightened they will consume once and forever, as I can recount almost to the day that this consuming initiated itself, and I feel that any type of therapy could not treat me, I feel like these thoughts are forever engraved in every cell and every atom in me, that not even lobotomy could cure me. And I look at myself and can not picture these thoughts in my head, and makes even more frustrated, and i cannot tell anyone this because no one will listen or wants to listen or will understand these. And I displace my dissatisfaction all over the place, and i feel like a machine and there's so much I dont know and so much I unlearned from when I was younger that i need know to beleive in again, but truthfully. And i cant understand or accept truth, and i want to, and the only thing making me keep typing this and not fall on the floor is this inkling of hope of escape, which I interpret to be what my constant suicidal impulses to be. And right now when i added "constant" is proof that i want pity, but i know that sometimes I dont want it for fear of further alienation, but theres no hope in coming closer to people I admire. And the one person I believed I might be able to trust constantly leaves me and criticizes me and feels like I am disposable, and yet I keep returning and selling myself to them because it is the only thing I can hang on to. And I get angry that people read and hear and "understand" thigns they really and truly dont, and am even angrier that people will read this and not understand it and dismiss it, when I have this encompassing, currently true and real feeling of isolation, and no one can comprpehend the level that I feel, and I fell angry and jealous at people with more isolation, for reasons I get angry at too and wish i hadn't had. And its been an hour. Goodbye, maybe.

A Utopia should be defined as a society where distress is caused by individuals' faults rather than faults of the government or any authority. Where citizens provide less but receive more. Where every error can be fixed. A Utopia is not defined in the way it deals with peace, but with conflict.