Take Pills

I love Kurt Vonnegut. To death, with puppies and cherries on top and sprinkles and whatnot. The thing is that I've never read any of his books. Now, before you judge me and point your old crinkly index finger at the fluorescent computer screen at three AM with your Imported Brazillian Hazelnut Coffee in the other hand, hear me out. Or read me out. Well, stay, don't go out. So read me in. From the pictures I've seen, the quotes I've read, the stories I've heard and the videos of him, I can tell he knows something, he has some writing power. Magical? More so mathematical. Writing is basically math, but a lot of guessing and subjectivity. I finally learned the difference between subjectivity and objectivity this weekend, after a year of trying to remember the difference. Thanks, Ivan Pavlov. Could be very important one day. KV's aura is so overwhelming, and exudes brilliance in his words, I can't explain it. Even if the books sucked, I would still love him. Its the thought that counts, right? Same with Dylan, Chan Marshall, etc.. Their music could suck, and the lyrics be dumb, but there is something about how they talk and speak and how I perceive them that makes me believe them, put all my trust in them. Idols? Perhaps. False Idols? Perhaps. I don;t care, as long as I believe. It's all I have now, I can't care about the truth anymore. It just doesn't fit. Like the roads I hate, that always lead to something undesirable, even if youre leaving you know where you were and you know you will return. I need to fall in love. I thought I did it too often, but I realized I have never done so. All the women I have wanted to love have been named Lauren and Naomi. Weird, right? Twice, in each case. And also Rena. I hope nobody who knows me reads this. Actually, I don't care, because it doesn't matter anymore, even thought some of those people named have not left my thoughts. Let script run free, the whole point of writing is repetition, isnt it? Or else it woudl just be like writing in the sand or thinking. But I have bad memory. But my point is, truth is impossible. Unless I take pills.

Hourglass of Words

I have to write quick. I forget fast and learn even faster. I think my goal is to try to understand everything, to be everyone, to stand in everyone's shoes, to compassionate with them, to sympathize, to empathize, to finalize, and categorize, to privatize, and to clear the skies. I can't belong to a group, it's too limiting. I can't be labeled or judged, its my biggest fear. I can't be me, I have to be the universe. Yeah, I guess you could say I am jealous of God or whatever cosmic force(s) sit in their ornately decorated throne. But because I want to belong and understand everything, I consequently belong nowhere. And in the back of my mind I feel like my aspiration, this universal wisdom, is itself labeled something. Do I care what its called? No, and I hope it has no name. But it can still exist. But does something exist if it has no name? If it is not recognized? if it is not important? I suppose. Who ever said too much knowledge was dangerous? Well they were right. Its human nature, universal nature, to group things. Its called perception, and we can't avoid it. Everything is labeled, if its not it can't exist. Maybe I can't exist the way I want to be. I don't want to be stuck with a group, with limits and fears and expectations. But I don't want to be an independent or whatever. I don't even want t be me, and I don't even know who me is. I'd be a good actor. I am a good actor, but I want to get out of character, I need to. But alas, Will said it best.
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players"
Did he imply that we are not true individuals? I'd like to think so.
Forget this velveteen shadow of a convoluted mind, I am alone, I'd like to think so until someone comes along. I want to blame others, but its mostly my fault for expecting so much, for misestimating society's capabilities, my society. Can blame heal? If genuine, perhaps, but blame breeds guilt, and guilt breeds blame. And I am pure-bred.